Dealing with grief – learning from each other

This year, to commemorate Anzac Day, we interviewed a couple of our staff to collect real-life stories about dealing with grief. Most of us think of grief as happening in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us.

Maja Zidov, our Sustainability and Wellbeing Manager, talked to Molly Tauroa, our Student Support Advisor, about the time she lost her best friend in the world and how every single loss she’s had since then, links back to that day. Molly’s key lesson is that time doesn’t heal all wounds but that we can get stronger in living with grief. She recommends putting emotion into motion (of any kind).

Molly: Since I was nine months old, I’ve been riding horses. When I was five, I got my very first horse ever. Her name was Girtie and she was my bestest friend in entire world. And then on November 9^th, 2016, she was put down. I grieved her harder than I grieved my grandparents before. Every single loss I’ve had since then, whether it be someone passing, whether it be friendship or relationship breakdown, whether that be rejection in the job, I fall back to how I felt when I lost Girtie. That is my story about grief.

Maja: Where did you first feel that grief, in your body?

Molly: My sternum, between my heart and stomach. It’s the gut feeling of loss but also the heartache. It is right in the middle for some reason. As you talk about it sometimes it moves up in your throat. That is where I feel it. It is never in the head which is very interesting I find.

At first, I was like: “what is going on, this is actually the worst!”. It was very debilitating to begin with and to be fair, it can still get quite debilitating. Grief kept presenting itself in different ways and I was only used to it presenting itself as sadness. But I also felt it as anger, frustration or even sometimes joy. Girtie was 36 old when she was put down. I write a lot to work through things, and one of the only pieces of writing I shared was the piece I wrote about Girtie. In it was something about not recognising her decline, blaming myself for it, and feeling selfish for holding on too long. That is when the anger would come in.

Maja: Tell us more about that feeling of joy while also grieving and feeling sad

Molly: Joy was part of those bittersweet moments when I thought “oh man I wish Girtie was here” or when experiencing joyous moments with my horses that came next. Girtie was this tiny little pony. I have so much love and admiration for her. I literally thought she did everything good in this world.

I remember this time when I came home from school. For about three years Girtie lived with another girl who was teaching her to ride. And then she couldn’t come home because she got sick at this farm. So this one day, I come home and my mom tells me:  ‘Look out to the paddock’. And Girtie was just standing there! [tears up]. My overwhelming love I have for her is still present.

There was this other time when she broke into the garage and would be eating grass between the cars. And you would be like “oh my god there is a horse in the garage”. Anything for food! And she once lifted gate off its hinges, and I won so many thing on her so I have so many memories of me with red ribbons contrasting her brown haircoat.

Maja: What was her reward for winning those competitions?

Molly: Her reward was an apple. She was an apple girly – she loved apple.

Maja: Your connection to her is clearly still strong. Is there anything you consciously do to keep that connection alive? I.e. visit her grave

Molly: My mom is a very superstitious Irish women and I’ve always been taught to look for those that have passed in signs. And with Girtie, I always said: “Girtie is in the first star, looking back at me”. So every time I see a first star, any evening, I always say hi. She does have her grave at home but to be fair I haven’t visited it for a long time. It more follows me in the symbolism of the first star. And if you don’t look for them in the physical sense you look for them personality wise in anyone that follows. Same with friendships and relationships and that kind of stuff. I always look for Gertie in every horse I’ve ridden since.

Maja: If you were to look at grief, personalise it a bit, what would it look like?

Molly: A shadow. A shadow that always seems to come out on really sunny days. It’s with you, but you are not defined by that feeling.

Maja: What advice have you shared with friends also dealing with loss?

Molly:  You just have to sit with it and it is so uncomfortable because it is so heavy. And that time doesn’t heal it. Over time you learn the tools to work through it. It’s not that time heals it, you get stronger in living with it.

Maja: What tools helped you work through it, live with it?

Molly: Writing, signing any creative outlets  I find helpful. I also run a lot.  I always say to my friends when you are feeling emotion, put it in motion. That is how I work. Whether that motion is pencil motion, walking or running. Putting that emotion into motion so you are not sitting with it, winding yourself up because that is so easy to do. It is so easy to just lay in bed, curl up and feel terrible. Totally cool, doing that every now and then is beneficial. Doing that all the time is a setback for yourself and you owe yourself to work through those emotions in a positive way.